Tava
14th June2024

The lightness of your being holds me in awe,

your generosity and love, the sensual cooking, the lying with me amongst autumn leaves above a view to that square, full of the passing of life outside; your post code.

I wonder how I deserve this gift, that I need so much in my life right now, deserve the loving caress of your fingers in my hair. The thought of my hands on your thighs, and your lips on my collarbone, are almost more than I can stand to bear.

I want that now, I want to go as fast as I can to be with you, immerse and never look back.

…But as I sit in my car …with tears in my eyes after witnessing the suffering of my mother under her memory,

…and as I adjust a course through the rain and mist, in the darkness of early morning on Lady Jayne, trying my hardest to work through the myriad of confused thoughts inhabiting my mind, trying to reconnect with reality,

I come across a knowing

…a knowing that now is not the right time.

That as deeply as I yearn for it, I know this will only take me further from a truth I need in life just now, …and maybe, I believe, this could possibly even be true for you also.

I am left destroyed, and saddened,

…but know it to be,

that to preserve the so much that is good and special between us right now, I cannot act as I might, instead I need lower my voice, quietly ask you to understand,

…and to forgive me,

Selfishly I need our love in a slow intense form, an understanding between souls,

…with which to face the world with.

First light, Waddy Point,
en-route home to Loch Sport.